For my Elementary Ed major, I'm in a class this semester called Intro to Education. We have 1.5 hours of class every Tuesday morning, then we go into a school in Lynn to observe for a few hours Thursday mornings. This past Thursday was our first day in Harrington school! I got the jitters, woke up 5 times in the 2 hours before I was supposed to get up (which only happens when I am nervous or absolutely have to get up early), got up at 6am and went to school! It was amazing.
Background of Harrington school: last year it was declared below national standards because it failed the MCAS (standardized test for the state of MA), 90% of it's students are on free or reduced lunch because they are living in poverty, and I'm not sure the exact number, but it has a high percentage of students for whom English is not their first language. Lynn, the city it is located in, has more than double the percent of people living under the poverty rate than the state of MA. Most of those are children. Basically, it is not a prime place to live or raise a family.
I was placed in a fourth grade classroom, and will go back for 7 more Thursdays. I loved it. The children were amazing. At the same time, I was humbled beyond belief. I was terrified out of my mind. I walked out of the classroom with a huge smile on my face and a weight in my soul. I have no idea what I'm doing.
The teacher I was placed with had me read an entry from one of her students' journal. The entry began something like, "There were gunshots outside my house last night" and went on to tell how the police had come and hadn't caught anyone, but how she was familiar with this type of scene by now. I was floored. How do students learn when they have that sort of thing going on at home??
That night I had a bit of a panic attack. I realized that I am an 18-year-old, white female from a affluent home and wealthy community. I've never had to deal with any of the things these kids deal with on a daily basis. How could I make any difference? How could I survive in a setting that is such a polar opposite from what I grew up in? How could I teach them, love them and be someone they can always depend on all at once? These thoughts, and so many more, flew around my mind on an endless loop. I was up at 1:30AM trying to figure everything out, feeling discouraged, depressed and hopeless. I was ready to give up and change my major, or give up my dream of teaching in an inner city school, and find some wealthy students with no baggage who love learning.
I decided to shower, because that's what I do when I need to ponder deep thoughts. When I was in the shower, I could feel myself becoming more discouraged. That was when I realized that Satan wanted me to feel discouraged and down on myself. If I allowed myself to sink into this misery, he would win. I suddenly became really encouraged. Yes, I was still terrified, and still am. But my future holds enough weight in the view of eternity that the devil is trying to bring me down and not allow me to do it.
"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:32. I will be attacked. I will be discouraged. I will be fought against. But with God on my side, I cannot lose. I cannot fail. I have no idea what I'm doing, but that's what I'm at school for. I have time to learn still. Besides, I have the God who created the world on my side. I'll be absolutely fine.
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