Confidence

Forgive me if I'm not completely coherent today (as opposed to... what? I'm rarely coherent. But that's besides the point). I've been pumping copious amounts of vitamin C through my body these past few days trying to get over whatever has been bothering me for the past, oh, 2, maybe 3 weeks? So again, forgive me if this post doesn't make sense.

I wrote ^ that paragraph, then was going to move on to whatever I had already written as the title... confidence. Shoot.

So, please allow me to rewrite that. Forgive me if I don't write as elegantly as I normally do today. I've been a tad under the weather, and little scatterbrained. It should still be good though

See, I write that and feel stuck up.(begin snotty, stuck-up accent here) Oooh, I'm such a good writer. I rock. Read myyyy blog! (end annoying accent) Besides, I don't think my blog is really that good. And I'm ok with that.

But confidence. Getting back on track. (You can tell my brain isn't quite working yet today. I'm jumping all over the place). I had a really good conversation with one of my good guy friends over winter break about relationships, guys and girls, and confidence. He told me that often really pretty girls aren't that attractive to him because they have no self-confidence. One of the biggest turn offs for him is when girls are constantly worrying how they appear to others. Likewise, I realized, I am often attracted to the guys who know who they are, and have accepted themselves. My friends (guy and girl) that I allow myself to get closer to, the ones I enjoy hanging out with, are people who love themselves. They don't have to put on a mask.

Now, I know everyone has self-confidence issues. I feel like a huge hypocrite writing this. I'm super good at pretending that I'm confident, when I'm not. But it's ok. I may not love who I am all of the time, but when I realize something I'm not happy about, I work to change it (in a healthy, non destructive manner). And I love who I am. Because you know what? God doesn't make mistakes. But he did make me. And he made you too.

God is CAPTIVATING

I've been reading this book, Captivating, by John and Staci Eldredge, and finished it today. I thought it was fitting, seeing as it is Valentine's day and all. In the book, they describe the longing all women have to be romanced, and our wish to be wooed. Unfortunately, being single, I've lately felt like I've been missing out on that part of my life. Valentines day is a perfect day to reflect on how great God is and how He loves me more than any man will ever be able to.

All throughout High School, I was content without a boyfriend (with the exception, of course, dating Jeremy. But even while dating him, I could stand alone, and was fine when we broke up), knowing how few High School relationships last. When preparing to come to college, everyone told me that I would come here and find my husband, then get married right out of college. Well, all you who found your husband the 1st week of college, that is awesome. But it didn't happen to me (as far as I know...) After all that, naturally, I assumed, once I got here, that there would be men galore, fawning and fighting over me. Fortunately, that was not the case.

I have a longing to be romanced. All women do. That is why Captivating was so amazing for me. It opened my eyes to see that God is constantly romancing me. The night I finished the chapter on God romancing us, I walked outside and saw big, slow, picture-perfect snowflakes falling ever so gently from the sky. I love snow. I prefer the cold to overpowering heat too. I laughed out loud as I spun in the snow, then fell backwards into the soft powder. As I lay there, I knew that I didn't need any man pursuing me, at least not yet. I could be absolutely fine being loved on by God. I felt that He provided the snow just then for me, because He loves me. So this Valentine's day, I'm going on a date with God. To all my single women out there, don't give up hope. There's someone amazing there for you. And for now, let God embrace you, love you, and be your Valentine!

Intro to my Education

For my Elementary Ed major, I'm in a class this semester called Intro to Education. We have 1.5 hours of class every Tuesday morning, then we go into a school in Lynn to observe for a few hours Thursday mornings. This past Thursday was our first day in Harrington school! I got the jitters, woke up 5 times in the 2 hours before I was supposed to get up (which only happens when I am nervous or absolutely have to get up early), got up at 6am and went to school! It was amazing.

Background of Harrington school: last year it was declared below national standards because it failed the MCAS (standardized test for the state of MA), 90% of it's students are on free or reduced lunch because they are living in poverty, and I'm not sure the exact number, but it has a high percentage of students for whom English is not their first language. Lynn, the city it is located in, has more than double the percent of people living under the poverty rate than the state of MA. Most of those are children. Basically, it is not a prime place to live or raise a family.

I was placed in a fourth grade classroom, and will go back for 7 more Thursdays. I loved it. The children were amazing. At the same time, I was humbled beyond belief. I was terrified out of my mind. I walked out of the classroom with a huge smile on my face and a weight in my soul. I have no idea what I'm doing.

The teacher I was placed with had me read an entry from one of her students' journal. The entry began something like, "There were gunshots outside my house last night" and went on to tell how the police had come and hadn't caught anyone, but how she was familiar with this type of scene by now. I was floored. How do students learn when they have that sort of thing going on at home??

That night I had a bit of a panic attack. I realized that I am an 18-year-old, white female from a affluent home and wealthy community. I've never had to deal with any of the things these kids deal with on a daily basis. How could I make any difference? How could I survive in a setting that is such a polar opposite from what I grew up in? How could I teach them, love them and be someone they can always depend on all at once? These thoughts, and so many more, flew around my mind on an endless loop. I was up at 1:30AM trying to figure everything out, feeling discouraged, depressed and hopeless. I was ready to give up and change my major, or give up my dream of teaching in an inner city school, and find some wealthy students with no baggage who love learning.

I decided to shower, because that's what I do when I need to ponder deep thoughts. When I was in the shower, I could feel myself becoming more discouraged. That was when I realized that Satan wanted me to feel discouraged and down on myself. If I allowed myself to sink into this misery, he would win. I suddenly became really encouraged. Yes, I was still terrified, and still am. But my future holds enough weight in the view of eternity that the devil is trying to bring me down and not allow me to do it.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:32. I will be attacked. I will be discouraged. I will be fought against. But with God on my side, I cannot lose. I cannot fail. I have no idea what I'm doing, but that's what I'm at school for. I have time to learn still. Besides, I have the God who created the world on my side. I'll be absolutely fine.