Surrender

"I don't want to talk about surrender, I don't want to talk about surrender... shoot. I have to talk about surrender."

This is what has been running through my mind lately as I've felt the need to write a new post. The past hour I was in Catacombs, a really cool worship service my school does from 10-11 each sunday night. It is all acoustic, no lights, and a good mix of traditional and contemporary music. A lot of the songs tonight were about surrender. A lot of today has been about surrender. It started off this morning, with a dream.

I'm not going to get into the details, but the dream had a lot of things that I don't have, but have been searching for. It honestly made me slightly depressed when I woke up. Then, in church, I had to leave in the middle of the serivce because of an overwhelming sense of homesickness. I wanted to go back to my home church so badly it hurt. I spent a good portion of this afternoon trying to figure out my future, and another part having my future plans torn apart by my friends who think they are crazy and can't see how they will ever succeed. Basically, much dwelling on what I don't have occured.

It wasn't good.

I longed after these earthly things.

During Catacombs tonight, I could barely choke out the words to Hillsong's "The Stand". Specifically, the lines that go:
"I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to You surrendered.
All I have is Yours."

Because it isn't true of my life. I've been holding so much back from God, telling him that no, this is mine. I want this. Don't take it away from me. It's what You want for me, right God? But it isn't.

He doesn't want me worrying about my future. He doesn't want me dwelling on what I don't have. He doesn't want me discouraged by this world and it's difficulties. Because He can handle all of it.

I just have to surrender.